


Long Nights

by Haileybuns_Haven



Series: Long Nights [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Basically Yuuri's anxiety is really giving him a hard time, Kinda, M/M, Panic Attacks, VictUuri, Viktor Nikiforov - Freeform, Yuri on Ice - Freeform, katsuki yuuri - Freeform, kind of a mix, more anxiety though, this was basically a 3 AM vent fic pls excuse me, victor nikiforov - Freeform, viktuuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 05:49:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9870206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haileybuns_Haven/pseuds/Haileybuns_Haven
Summary: It's not something Viktor can fix, but Yuuri's used to it. He's always been used to it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **Words in italics are meant to represent Yuuri's thoughts**

It’s not something that Viktor can fix.  
Viktor Nikiforov, five-time Grand Prix Final gold medalist, one of the most sought-after bachelors in the world, a man with charisma and charm and the ability to wrap anyone around his finger in the blink of an eye, cannot fix this—and Yuuri knows this all too well. He doesn’t want Viktor to fix it.  
“ _It isn’t his responsibility,_ ” Yuuri thinks to himself. “ _It isn’t his burden—I won’t let it become his burden._ ”  
He had a slip-up the Cup of China. A major slip-up. But it was in the past now, Yuuri couldn’t change it. And so long as it didn’t happen again, Viktor could believe that it was just a one-time thing.  
And Yuuri was more than okay with that. 

Yuuri knew how to handle these things on his own, he always did. It took a while, but he got a routine down. They never went away—the attacks, but they were manageable with time. Over the years he had developed his own system. Take care of it early on and it’s easier to deal with in the long run, that was what he always told himself. At the slightest hint of panic or uneasiness, go. Run. Get to the rink. The studio. Just get out.  
That had been his system for years now, and it worked. Were there times that flared up worse than others? Of course. But he had been able to keep those to a minimum, and he could figure out ways to hide them in the future.  
After the Grand Prix, it became easier. After the move to Russia was settled and the two developed a routine, it became easier. Days with Viktor were comfortable, safe…happy. 

Nights were the problem.  
Nights are too quiet, too long. Viktor was an early-to-bed, early-to-rise person as well—Yuuri was the opposite. Which meant he had a lot of extra time to himself at night.  
At first, he had no problems. He would simply listen to music or scroll through instagram for a bit before nodding off to bed, pressing up against Viktor and feeling his chest move up and down against his body, listening to his breathing and trying to match it to his own. But as the days became more routine, Yuuri’s old habits began to kick back in. At first, it seemed like restlessness. No matter what he did, sleep would take hours to come. He would end up on his phone for hours, sometimes debating whether or not to send Phichit a message or call home, anything to use up the time. He never did.  
Eventually, it evolved. Restlessness turned into sensory overload, sensory overload turned into anxiety, anxiety escalated until an attack was brought on. And here, in Russia, he didn’t have his home rink to run to, he didn’t know the streets well enough to go for a midnight jog, he didn’t have Minako’s studio for safety.  
They weren’t nightly, but god did it feel like it. 

One night, in particular, was worse than others. Viktor and Yuuri got into bed around 10, with Viktor dozing off around 10:30, making sure to cling around Yuuri as though not touching him would be physically painful. And for a while, Yuuri relished in it, as he always did. He closed his eyes, taking in deep breaths, loving the warmth and smell, the feeling of safety and closeness that Viktor had an endless supply of.  
And then, out of nowhere, it was too much. There was too much touching, too much contact, too much heat—oh god, way too much heat—the sheets felt suffocating, every inch of his skin felt like it was a vice, squeezing and constricting in every way possible. It was too quiet and too loud all at once—the breathing at his side, moments ago a comfort, was now setting off alarms in his head. The clock ticking on the bedside table—  
“ _When did it get so loud?_ ” Yuuri clenched his eyes shut, thinking. The light was too much. Viktor had an odd need for light at all times—lamps were abundant in the house, and two walls of the bedroom were mainly windows, allowing endless amounts of city light to seep through at all times. The headlights of cars, bouncing off the walls and circling were dizzying.  
_Get out, get out get out geto u t getout getoutgetout_  
Yuuri opened his eyes and realized that his chest was heaving, and he had a thin layer of sweat on his forehead. He turned his head to the side, only to see Viktor still nuzzled beside him, blissfully unaware of the mess unraveling beside him. 

Yuuri gently slipped out of Viktor’s grasp, quickly inviting Makkachin onto the bed to take his place. As soon as he could, he slipped on a pair of shoes and quietly walked out the bedroom door.  
Running outside wasn’t an option. Yuuri had a decent sense of direction but any chance of getting lost meant having to call Viktor to find him—so that option was out the window. Skating was a no-go. He couldn’t get into the rink.

The balcony. Thank god for Viktor’s lavish tastes. The balcony was Yuuri’s saving grace. He grabbed a blanket from the couch, along with his phone and headphones, and walked out the sliding glass door before curling himself into a chair. The Russian climate was still too harsh for Yuuri’s liking, but tonight it was a godsend. The gentle, frigid air blew against his face, chasing the heat away. And being so high up, the open air took away any feelings of suffocation. Yuuri closed his eyes and breathed out, hitting the play button and turning it to the lowest volume.  
Part one of his night was done.  
Next came the thinking.  
His body and mind seemed to work together to create a perfectly timed schedule for him at night. Part one consisted of physical discomfort, while part two was made up of mental stress. The physical aspect—the sensory overload, heat, suffocation—was the easiest to get out of the way. The next part was long, drawn out, calm. And Yuuri always knew that it would be a long time before he could go back to bed and enjoy Viktor’s warmth once it started.  
The thoughts were always the same, but that only made them seem more believable. They were always about him. Always about Viktor—about the both of them.  
“ _What are you doing here? What are you doing here with him? Why is he letting this happen—why is he doing this to himself? Does he pity you? Is he teasing you?_ ” Yuuri felt the tears slowly building up, that slight pressure just above his cheeks forming, burning slightly. “ _You did this. You manipulated him—You made him think that you were worth his time by playing a role. You played the femme fatale and pulled him away from skating, you took him from his passion, and now he actually thinks that he enjoys this_.  
“ _You were an idiot to think even for a moment that you are worth a second of his attention. He could be so happy, he could be so happy and loved and successful with someone beautiful, someone open and healthy and confident._ ” Yuuri heard himself sniffle, and felt the tears finally flow down his cheeks. But he knew that he had to get it all out—he hadn’t even gotten started yet.  
“ _You’re a dime a dozen skater from Japan who had the audacity to steal Viktor Nikiforov, the world’s top skater, all for yourself like the selfish person you are…you said you wanted to be hated as the man who stole Viktor from the world and you did it. Congratulations. You’ve gone from being unknown to being absolutely loathed by everyone around you—even yourself. And look at you—living with your idol, in such a beautiful place, training under the best coaches in the world—you’re really enjoying this, aren’t you? Being rewarded for being a manipulative, lying, undeserving—_ “ 

“Yuuri?”  
Yuuri jumped, and immediately felt heat rise into his cheeks. His face felt hot and cold at the same time—the air hitting his now wet cheeks made him shiver. He quickly buried half of his face into the blanket, wiping the tears.  
“Did I wake you up?” God, he sounded horrible. His voice was nasally and a bit rough—both from the lack of sleep and crying.  
Viktor was silent for a while. Yuuri began to think that he may have gone back inside when he suddenly felt familiar arms wrapping around his shoulders from behind, and Viktor’s head resting on his shoulder. “Yuuri, it’s too cold out here.”  
Without meaning to, Yuuri’s body stiffened. And, of course, Viktor noticed.  
“Yuuri?” Viktor slowly let go, walking around to face Yuuri and pulling up a chair across from him, so that their knees were touching.  
Yuuri kept his eyes everywhere but on Viktor’s face. He was constantly shifting his gaze from his phone, to the stars, the table beside them, his lap, Viktor’s lap, his phone again… 

“ _It’s like the Cup of China. He won’t look at me._ ” Viktor thought.  
“Yuuri…Yuuri, talk to me.” Viktor’s voice was gentle, calm, relaxed…safe. So safe. So loving.

“ _I don’t deserve this…_ ” Yuuri thought to himself.  
Viktor’s brow furrowed, and he leaned in slightly. “Don’t deserve what?”  
Yuuri flinced, finally meeting Viktor’s eyes. “ _Don’t look at me please…not now. Don’t look at me when I’m like this…_ ” His mind was screaming. How could he have said that out loud?  
Viktor was clearly losing his patience, but kept calm, as always. “Yuuri, you don’t deserve what?” 

_He’s going to think I’m an idiot. He’s going to be so angry. Confused. Freaked out. What kind of person wakes someone up because of something like this? He’s going to realize what kind of person I am and realize that this entire thing was a mistake and he’ll push me out of here and never want anything to do with me—which he should, he should, he deserves better he deserves more he should never have to settle for something like me—_

“Yuuri!” Viktor’s hands were holding his now, squeezing tightly. Yuuri looked at Viktor—he looked…terrified. “Yuuri, breathe, breathe. You’re going to hurt yourself.”  
Yuuri hadn’t realized that he had begun hyperventilating. He swallowed and focused on inhaling and exhaling, slowly getting back into his normal rhythm.  
“Yuuri, is this like what happened before? Are you nervous about something?” 

He wasn’t going to let this go. Yuuri knew that for a fact. They were both stubborn. 

“It happens.” Yuuri brought his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead against them, relieving some of the pressure he was feeling in his head. Viktor didn’t reply, clearly waiting for more of an explanation. “It happens every now and then and I just need air and quiet for a while. It’s my routine.”  
“What made you cry like that?”  
Had he been crying that loudly?  
“Your eyes are red and your voice is stuffy.”  
Ah. “It’s nothing, Viktor. It’s just…anxiety. It flares up.” Viktor cupped Yuuri’s cheek gently, still needing more. Yuuri leaned into the touch slightly, enjoying the contact again. “I’m just never going to understand you.”  
Viktor seemed surprised by that. He sat up a bit, cocking his head to the side a bit in confusion the way that reminded Yuuri of Makkachin.  
“You really should hate me.” Yuuri didn’t look at Viktor to see a reaction, instead he leaned his head back and looked up at the stars—not that he could see many without his glasses. “I would, if I were you—hell, I already do.” Yuuri smiled a bit at that. Something about saying things like that about himself always had an odd effect on him. It made him feel comforted, like if he said it to himself, hearing it from others wouldn’t hurt. “I took you away from skating, the thing you love most. I wasted a year of your life—you used a year of your life on a useless, wannabe, unknown skater with no potential. And the worst part is that I let you do it. I let you stay and I kept you to myself because I’m selfish and disgusting and worthless.” God he felt so tired. He knew he was going overboard. But getting it all out, all at once, always did the trick. “You need to be skating. You need to be with people who are more like you—beautiful and confident, someone who commands attention and surprises everyone around them—“ Yuuri finally looked back at Viktor. He looked…what did he look like…

Was it shock? Anger? Sadness? Confusion? Yuuri couldn’t place it, no matter how hard he tried. His eyes were wide open, the bright blue piercing him like always. His lips were parted a bit, like he was ready to speak but couldn’t find the words. His eyebrows were raised slightly—and his eyes looked a bit glassy. 

“How can you say that?” 

_What?_

Viktor’s expression changed to one of anger. He grabbed both of Yuuri’s hands, and Yuuri saw the teardrops falling. “How can you say that about the person that means everything to me? How can you say those things about someone that gave me the world when I needed it most? Yuuri Katsuki, you gave me my life and introduced me to a love that I never knew was possible, you’ve given me so many things that I can never return. You have surprised me since the night you came to me in all your drunken glory and you have continued to surprise me every day. You are the one person that can do that to me. You are the one person that doesn’t put me as a skater above me as a person. You are the one person that loves me entirely for who I am. And selfish? Yuuri…if you knew, if you really knew how selfish I truly am…I should be the one asking why you’re here with me.  
“If you knew that the moment I saw you skate in that video I wanted to steal you away, I wanted to force you onto the podium at the next Grand Prix if I had to. And then after learning more about you, I only wanted more of you in every way—as a skater, as a person, as a friend, a lover, a husband…  
“You are my life and my love, you are the reason I keep going and the reason I’m skating, the reason I can wake up each day and smile and know for a fact that I wake up next to the most beautiful, loving, compassionate, giving person in the world, and knowing that he loves me for some ridiculous reason that I will never understand. You are love itself, Yuuri Katsuki, so don’t you dare think for one moment that you are anything less than beautiful and deserving and…please just…don’t do this to yourself.”  
Viktor’s hands were cupping his face again, and their foreheads were pressed together. His voice had become a whisper, and Yuuri felt tears falling down his cheeks again as he gently grasped Viktor’s wrists, pulling him in for a kiss.  
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry I’m sorry I don’t—I made you put up with this I woke you up I made you come out here I just—“  
“Shh…” Viktor cradled his head, holding Yuuri against his chest.  
Yuuri heard his heartbeat and forced himself to breathe, slowly, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around Viktor, gently grasping onto his shirt. Finally the exhaustion kicked in—part three. Viktor could never fix this, not entirely. He would never be able to take away nights like these, and they both understood that. But Viktor was here, he was here and he would always be here to help the nights pass. And that was more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> SOOO YEAH basically a very self-indulgent Yuuri-anxiety fic because I've been having a lot of those nights lately and I thought hey why not bring my fave into it and have Viktor come and do his best to help his Yuuri through it <3 ^^  
> I haven't written in years and this isn't beta'd at ALL so I really do apologize for the awful quality--I just got into the writing mood around midnight and here we are!
> 
> *Here come scream with me about Yuuri please ^^* animation-compilation.tumblr.com
> 
> Ah and here's some of what Yuuri was listening to:
> 
>  
> 
> [Windswept](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOBPZ5Wuy3A)  
> [Sakura Nagashi (Piano)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQPdzHVakyM)  
> [Stammi Vicino (Piano Duet)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tuvDxsOoQo>Walt</a>%0A<a%20href=)


End file.
